LeBron and Existentialism ... and Three's Company

I was on vacation with my family in France when LeBron James held his news conference/reality show/documentary about how great he is and all that crap, so I didn’t hear as much about it as I would have liked. The French aren’t really into basketball. They are into soccer, but they’re kind of terrible at that, too, so sports talk wasn’t much of an option, especially since I couldn’t understand a word they were saying. Because of the time difference, “The Decision” was on at 3 a.m. so I missed that, too. It was like living in a cave, except the cave is filled with famous paintings and cheese.

I’m angry that LeBron left Cleveland — almost as angry as I am that spell check says I’m spelling LeBron incorrectly. But after fuming about it for over a week, I’ve decided that writing terrible things about Bron Bron isn’t going to solve anything. I was also scared that NBA commissioner David Stern would fine me $100,000 for speaking my mind, like he did to Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert after Gilbert called LeBron a coward and said he quit in the playoffs. (Gilbert, the owner of the Fathead series of sports posters, also dropped the price of LeBron James Fatheads to $17.41, the birth year of Benedict Arnold. Hey, if LeBron wanted his Fathead reputation to remain intact, he should have stayed.)

So in order to take the high road I’m only going offer a little bit of insight on James’ decision before I move on to what he might do next, and in honor of my family vacation I’m going to do it in a French way: through the words of the French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre. Sartre said, “In creating the man that we want to be, there is not a single one of our acts which does not at the same time create an image of man as we think he ought to be.” In other words, everything we do creates an ideal that has an effect on humanity as a whole, so by leaving Cleveland for Miami, LeBron is popularizing the three H’s of South Beach: Hookers, Heroin and Humidity (Humidity is the worst.), and stomping all over the three H’s of Cleveland: Humility, Hard work and Hey, this economy is not doing very well, and by doing so, LeBron has encouraged everyone in the world to let down their friends and neighbors for a chance at stardom. Soon enough, Obama will leave the U.S. to become a politician on the bigger stage of China; The Roots will start collaborating with Lil’ Wayne and Justin Bieber so they can be more popular among young teens; and chairmakers will stop making chairs in order to produce more big, fancy couches. Then we won’t even have any chairs! This is like when Roseanne won the lottery and the Conners suddenly stopped being a relatable, working-class family. The ideals of society are falling apart.

After much thought, I’ve created an outline of what LeBron might do next, and how it will affect our culture.

Best-case scenario: LeBron becomes a religious leader. He gives up basketball, renounces all possessions, is persecuted for his beliefs and is executed before the age of 50. This will completely reverse his prima donna image and will encourage people to love one another. The good news for LeBron is that at some point after his death, he’ll become even more popular than he was in Cleveland. The bad news is that in order to do this, LeBron needs to lose a lot of weight. Look at any crucifix; does Jesus look like a 260-pound beast? Buddha didn’t reach enlightenment until he fasted for over a month, although the Chinese Buddha seems to have really let himself go after that. He’ll also have to practice carving things into rocks.

Worst-case scenario: LeBron wins the championship in his first year with Miami, and then asks himself, “Now that I’ve won, what next?” He then chooses to chase celebrity even further by turning the Miami Heat into a reality show-style re-make of Three’s Company. Dwyane Wade (Yeah, it’s spelled Dwyane.) gets to be Jack, since everyone in Miami already loves him, LeBron gets to be Chrissy, since he’s known for leaving town only to be followed by a mediocre replacement, and Chris Bosh gets to be that lady. You know, that lady. And team president Pat Riley can be Mr. Roper, since he’s old. The show will feature the three teammates through their daily lives as Riley acts all grumpy and questions everyone’s sexuality. The show will experience widespread success and eventually lead to the downfall of role models and quality TV shows.

Again, those are the best and worse-case scenarios, so LeBron will almost definitely take a more moderate course of action. Almost definitely. Almost. I hope. After “The Decision,” no one knows exactly what he’s going to do, but it couldn’t be much worse for his reputation.

As for the Cavs, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. And if you can’t get them to join you, you’re screwed. And as the French say ... well, I never understand what the French say.