Jury Duty

I have jury duty Thursday. I would like to say it’s going to be exciting but I don’t want to lie. I can apply for a $15 to $30 per day compensation, which I guess would technically make me a professional juror. (I’m going pro after only one year in college. Watch out, John Wall.) The check-in form gives me the option of selecting “I am requesting compensation because I am not employed,” which seems counter-intuitive, but I appreciate it.

I’m excited to make big bucks, and I think I'll be good at this since I consider myself to be a pretty judgmental person (That's a good thing, right?), but I do have a few concerns about my career as a juror. Here are some questions I’ll have to ask the people at court:

I may not be able to pay attention for more than 15 minutes or so. How many breaks do we get?

The U.S. is playing Serbia in the World Cup Friday. Is there a television in the courtroom?

If I make racist comments, do I still have to be a juror?

If I’m a juror, am I expected to jur? How does one jur?

What do I do if I have to poop during the trial and I can tell it’s going to take a long time?

Are snacks provided? If so, do you mind if I pretend my Teddy Grahams are trying to escape while I eat them?

If the person sitting next to me smells bad, should I tell him or her?

Since according to the letter I got in the mail, my service as a juror helps uphold democracy, if I manage to hurt myself during the trial do I get a purple heart? If not, what other awards can I get?

Do you know Judge Judy?

I'm afraid I can't handle the truth. Someone shouted that at me once and I think they're right.

What exactly does the term "penal offense" mean?

I only have a few days left until jury duty. I’m not doing anything to prepare, other than judging people even more than usual. I’m blogging about it ahead of time in case I’m not allowed to blog about it afterward. If you’re wondering how it’s going and I can’t tell you, just watch the second half of a Law & Order episode but leave during the emotional confession. That’s probably what it will be like.

UPDATE: I've just been informed that the U.S. is actually playing Slovenia Friday. I am awaiting confirmation that Slovenia is a different place than Serbia.