Joe Arpaio announced Monday that he will not be running for governor of Arizona. In response, Cinco de Mayo was moved two days earlier to coincide with the celebration of every Hispanic person in the state.
Only Arpaio could make such a big deal of announcing he’s not doing something. How does he do it? Well, it doesn’t hurt that he’s flirted with the idea of running since 1998. But don’t think that you have to be a famous attention hog — I mean a famous sheriff — to make a big fuss over not doing anything. Here are some of the ways you can pull a Sheriff Joe:
Wait until someone is using the bathroom. Then knock on the door furiously, repeatedly yelling, “I need to poop!” Insist that if they do not let you into the bathroom within five seconds, you will literally explode. Say the word “literally” multiple times. When they open the door angrily, say, “I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that I will not be using the bathroom now.”
Go to your classroom, walk up to the teacher and announce that you will not be attending class today. Do this for 12 years. When your grade suffers from truancy, blame the media for only focusing on your faults.
Walk up to a homeless person. Pull out $20 and say, “Thanks for coming to the press conference. I’m here to announce that I will not give you any money.” Then demand to see the homeless person’s birth certificate.
Go to the box office at a movie theater and tell the ticket person, “Hello, I’d like to not see Avatar, please.”
During the ‘90s, lying was okay as long as you yelled, “Psych!” afterwards. As a small child, I enjoyed shouting the word but didn’t understand its meaning, so I just said it whenever I wanted. One time in church I waited until a moment of complete silence to shriek at the top of my lungs, “Psych!” No one got it.
So if you’re wondering whether Joe Arpaio feels bad about leading people on about the gubernatorial elections, just wait for him to say, “Psych!” And if you’re wondering whether you should pull a Sheriff Joe, just remember that you can do it, too.
That time you yelled 'Psych' in church, it was at Green Grandma's church. It's now in the Lutheran Church history and lore. I think a couple of the old ladies had mini strokes.
ReplyDeleteThis sheriff is a piece of work. He sounds like Phoenix's very own Jim Traficant.