I came home from my first year of college Thursday. Before coming home I had pledged to do two things during my vacation: to read enough books to become a genius (So far I’m almost halfway through my first book of the summer), and to run enough to qualify for the 2012 Olympics. (It’s too hot. I’ll just try to get in better shape.)
It’s only my fourth full day home, but I’ve already made great progress in my summer goals ... by changing them. I only have one goal now. I’m going to be the ultimate tweeter.
Twitter is a magical place that allows anyone to publish anything they want, as long as it doesn’t take up more than 140 characters. On Twitter, I can have hundreds or even thousands of conversations that are all short enough to not strain my attention span.
My girlfriend Sara, a public relations journalism student, has used Twitter to connect with P.R. professionals and prospective employers across the country. I prefer to make semi-witty one-liners. Twitter can be used for anything, other than making real-life friends.
Twitter is more than a nerd machine; it’s an ongoing sociology experiment. The “trending topics” portion of Twitter shows the recent 10 most tweeted phrases among all Twitter users. The great psychologist Carl Jung is credited with coining the phrase, “collective unconscious,” which groups the experiences of an entire species into one shared experience, although today it’s probably just the name of an indie band. Twitter’s trending topics list shows us what millions of people are thinking. It’s our collective unconscious at work, which makes it much more depressing that Justin Bieber almost continuously dominates it.
My goal is to become Twitter’s greatest tweeter of all time. Ashton Kutcher currently has nearly 5 million followers, and Britney Spears is hot on his tail. I want to join the ranks of these great thinkers, Kutcher and Spears, but I have a long way to go. I have 146 followers right now, and since Twitter is growing so quickly I will probably need at least 10 million to dethrone Kutcher. Considering the fact that he has the ability to go back in time through his diaries, this could be a daunting task. He and his friends are probably hanging out in Eric Forman’s basement plotting against me right now.
Some great people are following me, like formerly obese golfer John Daly and some Asian lady who wants me to look at her “sexy pics.” You should follow me, too. It’s a simple four-step process: (1.) Go to http://twitter.com/Jack_Be_Quick, (2.) click the “Follow” button, (3.) tell your friends to do the same and (4.) laugh raucously at everything I say.
Hurry! I’m about to tweet about frogs!
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