Grow a Mustache, Barack

Has anyone ever told you to grow facial hair, falsely leading you to believe it might actually look good? Don’t feel bad; it happens to everyone. The person who leads us astray is a little guy I like to call Excessive Selfconfidence. Unfortunately, Mr. Selfconfidence does that to a lot of people, but his brother, Reasonable Selfconfidence has carried many men — and a few women — to greatness. Here is the epic tale of facial hair:

From Abraham Lincoln to William Taft, 1861 to 1913, 10 of 12 presidents of the United States had facial hair. For over 50 years, it was almost as important as being a white Protestant male from the Eastern Time Zone. After Taft’s failed re-election campaign, Woodrow Wilson was elected and World War I broke out. In 1929, Herbert Hoover, another clean-shaven candidate, was sworn in as president, thus starting the Great Depression. In 1989, George H.W. Bush became president; two years later, Dr. Seuss died. To summarize, a president without facial hair will inevitably cause absolute devastation. Today, terrorists are plotting against us, dictators are importing uranium and the people on Fox News keep saying we’re socialists. Why? There’s not enough facial hair.

If Barack Obama doesn’t grow a mustache, beard or at least really big sideburns, my vote in the 2012 presidential election will be cast for Xavier McStallion III, an imaginary candidate based on the legacies of Abraham Lincoln, Steve Prefontaine, Frida Kahlo, Burt Reynolds, Adam Morrison and those guys from ZZ Top. Much like other presidents, McStallion will run on a platform of good economy, lots of jobs, patriotism, family values, open-mindedness (but not too much!) and a healthy balance of red and blue neck-ties, but what makes him different is his facial hair. He looks a lot like this guy: hyperlink!

Dr. McStallion has previously served as Chancellor of my imagination from 2007 to now, has written several books, including Are You There, Mustache? It’s Me, Xavier, Tuesdays with Mustache, Harry Potter and the Mustache of Fire and War and Peace and Mustaches, and received his PhD in filament economics from Harvard.

That’s my ultimatum, Barack. Grow it (the mustache) or throw it (the election). Do it for your country.